A strange dichotomy

For the first part of women's lives 

they do everything to not get pregnant,

then for the rest of their lives 

[some] women* do everything to get pregnant.

For the first part of women's lives 

they hope that they do not get carded,

then for the rest of their lives 

women** hope that they do get carded.

*present company excluded
**present company included

illustration by

ivan brunetti

and the basket goes to....

Ashley. Because I quite enjoyed imagining the pink skirt making an appearance on HIM.

I also kind of wanted to give it to me melodia for admitting that she fantasizes about a serial killer. (But she's a friend, so that wouldn't be fair anyway.)

Thanks for playing you guys!!!

LOVE,
ESB

(Another photo by unpiano)

So young, so fresh

Back to school...blergh!

Last semester...yay!

Big ups to ESB for coming over and playing.

I now have an Astroglide label and one of you will soon have an Astroglide BASKET.

Exciting stuffs.

Guest Post: In which ESB gives you a pop quiz

How do you do it?

1. When I am getting down with my man/lady/self, I like to put on:

a) Marvin Gaye
b) Barry White
c) Nine Inch Nails
d)  _______________


2. To set in the mood, I:

a) Plug in the christmas lights
b) Light a scented candle
c) Are you kidding?? I turn off all the lights. I don't want to SEE ANYTHING.
d) _______________


3. Then I slip into:

a) Something lacy. Obv.
b) My furry suit. (Oopsy. Did I just say that out loud?)
c) Why bother with lingerie? Just take it all off.
d) _______________


4. On occasion, I close my eyes and image that he/she is:

a) Robert Pattinson
b) Zooey Deschanel
c) That is like cheating. I. Would. Never.
d) _______________


5. When we're finished, I:

a) Lie back and bask in the glow
b) Demand a glass of water
c) Dash off to check the comments on my blog
d) _______________


Please post your answers in the comments. I will calculate your scores based on an incredibly scientific formula I have yet to come up with, and the winner will receive an Astroglide gift basket (!) including three different kinds of lube,* a t-shirt (IknowIknowIknow, no one should ever wear a t-shirt endorsing any kind of lubricant), and a few other surprises. 

I kind of actually want to keep the gift basket. I'm thinking I might enter the contest under a pseudonym. I mean a different pseudonym. You know what I mean.

xoxo,
ESB

(Photo by unpiano)

*No warming liquid, I promise. I tried the stuff once, and I was not a fan.

Prada's Platforms // Thackeray's Globules

Dear Max, 

I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them frenching in front of her house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch.

Why am I telling you this now? Because you're such a good friend. Take care, pal.

Fondly,

Dirk Calloway

via jak&jil and nasa pic of the day

Chains of Love

Work It

I'm making a zine for career girls!

It'll be chock full of info on how to get on the path to being HBIC* ---in a similar vein to Cutrone's If You Have to Cry, Go Outside, but less fucking earth mother, ego-maniacal, and batshitcrazy**. Oh, and not fashion industry centric. 

Market Research:

I was thinking traditional paper zine. What do you think? Zine or blog? Or both? Would you be interested in reading? Would you pay for shipping? THX!

*not entirely there myself YET, but have made notable progress o'er the past couple years and learned a lot along the way**

**let's hope

Twenty (Ten) Nineties

I'm not about to wax poetic on the 90s, because it seems as though everyone is already doing enough of that these days. It totally reminds me of that Eightball panel about The Future.

With that said, do you remember when Music Television actually played MUSIC?

Oh, p.s. check out this photo that we found of R's bedroom in high school. Doesn't it just make you ache?

Three words that will make you want to slit your wrists:

1. Green. 
2. Day. 
3. Musical.

Stay cool and stop bitching about the weather. It's unbecoming and makes you sound like a pussy.

Heavy

A partial list of things that bother me more than they should:

• That dream I had the other night
• Kate Moss & Pete Doherty's breakup
• That time you* said that I don't know how good I have it
• The way my teeth feel today, a bit loose, like an insecure nightmare
• People who are/or appear to be lonely
• The appearance of my armpits
• That time I forgot to feed my neighbor's dog for a weekend when I was 12
• The fact that you died alone, because of me
• The way I treated you in the past

*yous have been used interchangeably throughout

For the Archives: In and Out

Been dozing off a lot mid-conversation lately, which led me to inquire:

Me:     Do you think I'm narcoleptic?

Him:    No, I think you're just lazy.

p toledo

QVC/OCD

My mom has some serious self control issues. Her latest compulsion is QVC/television shopping. I can't stop her. I've toyed with the notion of donning a ski mask and clipping through her cable lines in the dark of night.

It's difficult, because she's so excited to bestow upon me the latest miracle serum, etc. I accept all my sundries graciously and thank her, but tell her to save her money. But mostly, I pretty much just like to see that glimmer of happiness in her eye. 

I fake it. "OH BOY! I LLLOVE IT! Thanks SO much."

Here's a partial list of what she's ordered for me lately:

• A faux ponytail/phonytail. It's surprisingly realistic. At first, I was slightly concerned that some small child in Bangladesh was scalped for the sake of western vanity. Then, once I got a faint whiff of Barbie hair, my mild fears were extinguished.
• Dr. Dbag's lip enhancing serum. Chock full of CAPSAICIN extract. Ouch!!! FACK! I slathered some on (even though, if I may say so myself, my lips are pretty full already), followed up with some collagen whatever builder. I now look like Angelina Jolie & a blow up doll's illegitimate love child.
• "2 Minute Miracle Exfoliating Gel". Some pink shit that you're supposed to rub off, but it's really just the product that's sloughing off, NOT your dead skin cells.
• A black sheer sequined dolman top that R says makes me look "very mature." I'm sorta into it, but maybe I'll tuck it away for 30 years, then whip it out for the casinos & buffets.
• Not one, but two semi fug necklaces with Tahitian pearls
• A turquoise necklace that resembles big blue gum balls. I'm sorta into it. Makes me feel like an earthy Marge Simpson. 
• Deco-era sea urchinesque sapphire ring, that I was actually so fucking into, but LOST, because I'm an idiot and can't take care of nice things.
• A ruffled white dress shirt that made me feel semi-clownish, yet had that certain Hillary Clinton aura. I kept it.
• A steamer trunk full of "silver"ware. I'll be prepared if I ever need to host a dinner on the goddamn Titanic.
• A Montel Williams blender that blew up in smoke after 2 uses. (MONTEL, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.)
• Turquoise drip earrings
• Long gold crazy earrings
• A cobalt blue jacket with stand up collar and gigantor gold grommets (politely declined that one).
• A Wolfgang Puck panini grill
• A set of griddle pans, because, "Who can live without being able to fry an egg well?"
• A lifetime supply of ultra absorbent towels
• Some cleaning shit in a yellow tin

Funny/Not Funny

Yeah, but can't I just have an entire sheet of Garfield stamps??

Dream job: Postmaster General

via LWA